Storytime with little one

A MATTER OF THE HEART

Heart is such a strange thing.
you never give it a second thought or notice that it is there until two things happen.
1. You fell in love (madly head over heels love)
2. when it is breaking.
and right now mine is on the verge of experiencing number 2.

as much as i want to see myself as a strong person and as much as i want to appear as one..?
I am just not. TOTALLY, DEFINITELY NOT.
and it hurts even more because I don't know how to express myself. how to share what i am feeling inside

as a result? I have all these pent up feelings that are just on the tip of my tongue , on the verge of spilling out all over the place and yet they will not come out.
so, as most people said, those who do not express well verbally? they can do well so in written so here it goes.....


. the thought of loosing someone close to you someone who you love so deeply that nothing compares? it just kills pieces of you slowly one by one, day by day...it makes you feel numb. it makes the world stops and you just don't know how to react even though you are feeling so many things all at once.

words just could not describe...


Seeing that person suffers in pain makes you wish so badly that you can take his place and take away all the pain ..... If i could? Without a doubt, i would ..

When you are going through this you coul not stop yourself and your mind from wondering why him? Why our family?

He is such a good man, he does not deserve all this pain. But at the same time you know that Allah has everything planned out for you, for everyone from the very beginning and He also would not put you through something that you could not handle or take in stride.


But even so, your heart just cannot handle it. It leaks out so much sadness that when you are alone and this is the only thing that resides in your mind? The waterworks just would not stop....

Although, you are well aware that there is nothing you can do but to pray to Allah that everything goes well. That He will give more time together.... You still hope for some kind of miracle.... Hope for a Disney fairy tale ending......

How in the world could you live while knowing that it is just a matter of time that you are going to lose your sight?

Well.........?..

As normal as I can be.......i think so far...

My current obsession is watching one of those medical documentary, mystery diagnosis.

What do you know i am living with a pretty cool rare disease myself.

Toxoplasmosis Gondi, it is a parasite in cats' poop or raw meat....

It usually attacks the brain and causes mental retardation. Luckily for me it was during my mom's pregnancy stage and it only affected my eyes. Pheww....

So, i am totally blind in my left eye and have a very poor vision in my right. It used to be 6/60 now the last time i went for my check up was 4/60... Now, do you see a pattern there?

Yepp......as time goes and as i age.....i will eventually go BLIND......

MY left eye is also slowly deteriorating for the lack of use....i has shrunk in size..slowly for the past years and discolored and painful when is touched roughly...so, it is way smaller than my right eye....

I was born with this condition and in some ways I have come to terms with it and what is to come. 

I went through schools and university just fine i excelled academically (if I could say so myself). 

And where i lack the ability to see i gain in my ability to memorize things like a text a whole powerpoint presentation and such if i want to,,... That is not to say that i am a genius or a savant...just enough that it could get me through some situations in life like:

1. Back in uni, during orientation week. When we sat in a circle and people go round introducing themselves and you have to repeat all the names introduced before you. I was practically one of the last and i could recall those 70 names...HAH TAKE THAT! Of course at that time people did not even know about me yet. So where ordinary people might use face and names relation to remember i didn't cause i couldn't see those faces at all....i memorized the names in sequence only. 

2. When, i have to do presentation using powerpoint or give a speech.... I know i could not see the slides or any notes i might have so, what more could i do than just memorize them?

Okey enough of that boasting hahahahaha...

Anyway, i am blessed to have such accepting and loving family and friends who do not treat me like i am such an incompetent being. They support me all my life. I love them hugely for that. I also thank ALLAH for their presence without which i might not be able to live at all.

However, as much as i wanted to be positive, confident and strong the negativity is always just around the corner.

There will be times when i feel so depressed and extremely sad especially when i keep thinking about losing my vision. Sometimes i would cry myself to sleep especially when i am alone or think nobody sees me.

What upsets me is the possibility that i will no longer be able to see the world, to go places, to do things i normally do, to read storybooks which i love, and worst of all? NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE MY CHILDREN GROW UP. 

I also question, once i am totally blind, will the people around me who are now okay with the way I Am accept me as well? Or will people just avoid me altogether? And how am i ever gong to cope with that?

You know, being a girl or a woman you cannot help but feel self-conscious...

On the streets, there strangers  will look at you strangely and curiously and like you could see in their faces that they are thinking what the heck is going on with this person.?

There are instances where a kid will come up to me and stand in front of me and stare like REALLY stare which is AWKWARD... (Doesn't the mommy tell that it is rude to stare? Jeeeezzzz). not just that that kid will go back and bring his or her friend and show me to that friend like inches away and i could hear what they are saying and i was like....ooooookkkkaaaayyyyyy and walk away...gahh!!

Sometimes i will look in my pictures or in the mirror and feel really down to a point where i hate the way i look...... Which i shouldn't but then again I cannot help feeling that way...i would look at others and wish that i could just change how i look instead.....but then i regain myself and feel grateful with what i do have instead. This goes on and on...

One of the things that I hate the most is moving to new places like schools or workplace which i have a fair share of experience.....i have to explain all over again and again and again to the point where i think i should just make an announcement using the PA system instead... 

Being a teacher..........

I face kids all the time primary school kids that is.

So, you know how children are they just say what is on their mind.which i do not take any seriously or personally cause they are not at any fault...

Whenever they ask "teacher, what is wrong with your eyes?" "Are you wearing contacts?" 

I just joke about it or deflect and deflect and deflect......i mean this is okay compared to that weirdsp kid I  mentioned previously ahahaha

On the other hand, i could not help but wonder what will I do when my own children ask me this?  I most certainly cannot deflect i need to explain properly. I also wonder how are they going to react when their friends say stuff about me. Will they be ashamed of having a mommy who is different? Or will they accept me with open minds and hearts? I mean if they cannot accept me...wel...? That will just break my heart....

Well,, there you go. You have no idea what is going on in my mind now do you??

Strength is key after all......